February 2009
January 2009
my wedding web site →
any bugs to report? if so shut up because it’s made with html
SIMPLE GIFTS
dad: Hey - just sent you some motiviational posters to keep you upbeat with all this furlough bs
me: haha! thanks dad!
dad: did you see them yet
dad: I made the clown funeral one my desktop. Thought you would like the bike crash one
ON THE MENU
at my house this Friday, to punish the people nice enough to come over on my birthday:
• red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting (Paula Dean recipe!!!)
• some off-brand version of Cheetos
• some Tecate
• guacamole (made by Jake)
• blue-flavored Boone’s Farm
• scotch
Hope you can make it!!
“One of the dudes here said that his wife was going to be coming by and he wanted...”
– working in a hotel, part two
GIVE UP
Jake: [coworker] was complaining about how the USPS ruined his mom's birthday so I told him that I was going to make him listen to The Postal Service so as to restore his faith in their services
Jake: I told him they were the official band of the USPS
Jake: I played a song and he didn't like it
Me: did he question why they would have an official band
Jake: no, of course not
“Though that one time I tried marijuana it did make me quite forgetful.”
– coworker
Eric: You chair was too big, so we got you this small one, and you’re not even happy with that.
Tim: We put all this wicker up. Just for you.
THESE ARE THE PEOPLE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD
Saturday, December 27, 7:30am, Narcotic and Warrant Arrest: Officers were patrolling the area of Polk and Olive when they observed a subject exhibiting suspicious behavior. They stopped the subject who was just getting ready to urinate in a doorway. The officers ran a computer check and found the subject was on felony probation. They searched the subject and found suspect crack cocaine in his...
FIRST BEER BONG!
me: have any more scotch lately?
dad: No but I did two beer bongs last night
me: how did that go?
dad: Might be why mom is so mad at me
Went down easy. Actually kinda enjoyed it
me: haha, cuz you don't have to taste it!
dad: Didn't think about that.
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2009-1-25) →
Tennessee Ernie Ford (1)
Antony and the Johnsons (1)
Bobby Womack (1)
The Fiery Furnaces (1)
Leonard Cohen (1)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
“there is a store here that had an ad campaign that said “jeans are...”
– turkey is hilarious
WatchTough!
THE LIFE CYCLE
me: i guess all fruit is candy
nature's candy
Justin: Then what is nature's fruit?
me: vegetables, obviously
and nature's vegetables are meat
justin: And, as we know, nature's meat is Soylent Green and Soylent Green is people.
So it's all connected
me: Right. Circle of life and all.
Simba is nature's king
Justin: Someday everything the light touches will be his
me: Then I must blot out the very sun!!!!!!
Justin: Tonight we dine in Africa
“Can I tell you my second question [for Obama]? …. Will you let Joe the...”
– Damon Weaver, MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON
“He’s a long-winded person. But I think he’s long-winded because...”
– 10-year-old reporter Damon Weaver re Joe Biden
MY TONGUE IS NUMB
I went for my teeth cleaning and left with a filling! The dentist was poking around in there cleaning up and noticed a huge hole in my farthest molar, said we should probably fix that, asked if I had time to do it today, I said, “Uh, sure,” and he called over his assistant. So he mentions, “I have to give you a shot, is that OK?” and I was like “Uh, shit” but it...
“Enjoy the day, drink heavily and be grateful you live in the United States of...”
– Unremitting Failure, the greatest blog in history
PUBLIC SERVICE
Justin: That's what when you get when servicing the dreaded...PUUUUBLIIIICC!! AAAH!
Especially when the public mostly consists of cross-eyed, gurgling subhumans who smell so bad that I feel like I have to brush my teeth after they leave. I'm serious.
Like I was getting an aftertaste.
me: What do they smell like???
Justin: Mostly people here range from smelling like the classic "fell asleep in a petting zoo" and being bleached with nicotine.
“Most brilliant comment I heard today while having the inauguration on the lobby...”
– Justin
