“More than 2,000 readers wrote, e-mailed and called our comics hot line after the strip was dropped. Many Garfield fans told us that in these troubled times, they counted on the comic relief of their longtime favorite strip.”—Denver’s Rocky Mountain News brings in this, the most depressing piece of recession-related news yet
“A TENACIOUS terrier dubbed Leo the Lion-hearted is being lauded for staying loyally by the side of four helpless kittens trapped in a burning house. … He said Leo licked the kittens with joy when he saw them. “It was a wonderful sight,” he said.”—this story is impossibly cute
“No, that won’t happen [previous email had told this person to “enjoy your life”], when Obama becomes President and we are all in work camps, because we refuse the mark of the beast , it will be miserable. Thanks for voting for the Anti-Christ.”—so a coworker got this e-mail forward….
* A resident of Angel Road in Burlingame said his friends chased him with a hammer and chains on Sunday and on Thursday at about 6:14 p.m. called and said they wanted to fight him.
* 100 block of El Camino Real, 6:37 p.m.: Lingerie went missing from a shop, which police described as a “suspicious circumstance incident.”
* 700 block of Laurel Street, 5:54 p.m.: Suspicious notes were found in a wallet.
* A man in a laundry room on the 800 block of Roble Avenue in Menlo Park exposed himself on Thursday.
* 700 block of California Avenue, 9:37 a.m.: A person damaged the brakes on a bicycle.
* Laurel School on Edge Road, 2:44 p.m.: A man allegedly punched a car after the driver asked why he was walking in the middle of the street.
friend:Quick, go to the colonial museum so I can fax you.
me:what you wanna fax me?
friend:Haha, this like...business card I found at work with this guy's picture on it. He lists himself as a SINGER SONGWRITER MULTI-INSTRUMENTALIST PERFORMING MUSICIAN RECORDING ARTIST ACTOR, AUTHOR, HEALER HUMAN BEING
friend:There is a picture of him and he lists his yahoo email address and his tripod site
me:take a picture of it with your iPhone
friend:Just look out a window. I am using Obama's gazillion dollar overhead projector to project it onto the moon
friend:He has a business card with his smiling face on it that says he is a healer and a human being. Can you imagine having to talk to this guy?? Oh gaaaawd
me:dude, i live in san francisco
friend:No, this guy in San Francisco is incredibly less depressing than this guy in Toledo, OH.
friend:Holy sweet christ. I am watching a music video of him playing and acoustic guitar in front of a Coors Light sign
I used to be a real, patriotic American. I grew up a stone’s throw from JOE THE PLUMBER! I’ll be the first to admit that I do have some questionable things in my past, like the year I spent waiting tables at a Mexican restaurant, that I considered buying a Prius as my first car (it was too expensive, even used), that I have a friend who is at once gay, half-black AND half-Jewish, and that I tried to start a Scrabble club in high school. But anyone can be tainted by some high-falutin’ values if they live too near a city with a population over 300,000.
So here’s why I want honorary Real American status:
I went to every high school football game, from eighth grade to senior year. My childhood best friend made rick-rack for a 4-H project. I was a Girl Scout until I was old enough to drive. I got my fancy degree from a state school, and before that I went to a school in the Alabama part of a state that’s “Pittsburgh to the west, Philadelphia to the east, and Alabama in between. I’ve lost count of how many of my former classmates are knocked up or working at the titty bars on the state line. I participated in beauty pagaents before I was in kindergarten.
I think people who want to ban Oreos from a city are heartless Nazis. I think California weather is boring. I’m probably going to the racetrack this weekend, but only because it’s Dollar Days. As a kid, a home-cooked meal for me was Velveeta shells and cheese and Hungry Jack mashed potatoes, and all my school clothes were on layaway from the season before, when things were on clearance. I hadn’t seen a porn tape until I was in college. I still haven’t seen more than one episode of Sex and the City. I used to hang out at Waffle House.
A flat-panel TV is the centerpiece of my living room. I have a signed photograph of Rush Limbaugh on my desk at work. In high school, I won two scholarships and a Savings Bond from the American Legion for acing their “Americanism Test” about things like the number of state representatives we have and what the duties of the vice president really are. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because you get to eat a lot. My fiance worked at Cracker Barrel and understands football. I’ve shot a handgun. I kinda like Boone’s Farm. I love hot dogs.
In high school, my idea of a really fun night out was to drive 45 minutes in the non-hybrid car I eventually bought see a show in blighted Rust Belt dump Detroit, Michigan. Sometimes I think pretty fondly to the times I had sitting around breaking glass bottles in parking lots outside the flea market mall on Woodville Road. Some of my friends in high school lived in a house that was half a mile from any neighbor. Some of my friends’ dads made cars and grew corn and soybeans. I’m 22 and just got engaged — my mom had had a kid by now. I grew up in a duplex before we moved on up into a subdivision split-level.
Therefore, I submit that I remain an American, despite my current address. You can take me out for sushi, but I’m always gonna think eating raw fish is kind of gross.
“If small towns are real America, that would make big cities like Washington D.C. and New York City the capitals of fake America. Like the epicenter of Fake America, like the, oh what is the word I’m looking for, the Ground Zero if you will of anti-America. I bet Bin Laden feels like a real asshole now. “What? I bombed the wrong America? I’m going into hiding! I’m too embarrased.””—Jon Stewart, who was funny! last night. And not nearly as much yelling and mugging. I appreciate that. (via soupsoup)
friend:Tom Cable is the Interim Head Coach now. Which is like the most insulting title there could ever be really. It's like going out of your way to let him know that he's living on borrowed time.
me:Well, sometimes the interim guys get to be the real coach
friend:But he already is the real coach. He is actually the head coach of the Oakland Raiders. If you want to fire him after this season then that's cool, if not then you can keep him but that's like burdening him as some sort of pro football stepdad or something.
friend:Which is NOT an easy job!
friend:He already has to coach the Radiers and work for Al Davis. Isn't that punishment enough?
me:my head's spinning
friend:Like, what if he's telling Javon Walker to hustle to the ball and Javon Walker is all " You're not my real coach! You're just an interim coach! You can't tell me what to do! Come on Jamarcus Russell. We're outta here!"
“I have a dilemma of my own. I’m gonna get some ink while I’m there but I can’t decide. I’m either going to get the Noid smoking a joint or the 7-Up guy, Cool Spot, also smoking a joint. …. I guess I just thought Chester Cheetah was too obvious and everyone would just think the Honeycombs dude was a really shitty Taz.”—I remember Cool Spot but I had to Google the Noid. And what I found was amazing.